MST PTSD - My Story

I am diagnosed with MST PTSD with Major Depressive Disorder.

For those not familiar with the acronyms it is this:

Military Sexual Trauma Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

It's the diagnosis given by the VA (Veterans Administration) to consider me permanently 100% disabled and unemployable.





The U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs defines MST as:

Military sexual trauma, or MST, is the term used by the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) to refer to experiences of sexual assault or repeated, threatening sexual harassment that a Veteran experienced during his or her military service. 

The definition used by the VA comes from Federal law (Title 38 U.S. Code 1720D) and is "psychological trauma, which in the judgment of a VA mental health professional, resulted from a physical assault of a sexual nature, battery of a sexual nature, or sexual harassment which occurred while the Veteran was serving on active duty, active duty for training, or inactive duty training."
Sexual harassment is further defined as "repeated, unsolicited verbal or physical contact of a sexual nature which is threatening in character."

Am I talking about the good natured volley of remarks tossed back and forth between women and men Marines? No, definitely not. I knew joining a male-oriented branch of the service I would definitely be in the minority. I didn't mind that.

What crossed the line was unacceptable sexual advances, unacceptable touching, sexual advances without consent, and the occurrence that haunts me every single day and night of my life since it occurred:

Being drugged and repeatedly raped by a number of Marines in their barracks. I have no recollection of the time I left the base with friends in their car, stopping and picking up some male Marines, who offered me a beer and that's it. I regained consciousness - naked, in a bunk with a naked male Marine in the act of sex, with other male Marines looking on. Fear for my life raced through my mind. I vomited, then vomited more. Naked, in need of the facilities, they made me walk naked through the barracks hall to the community bathroom facilities. I raced back, begged for my clothes and left as quickly as I could without inciting more violence.

Because, that's exactly what it was. A violent act of betrayal and abuse and violation of me and my body.

• Where was I?
• 
  
• Was I even on my base?
• 
  
• In what direction was the Women's BEQ?
• 
  
• What time was it?
• 
  
• What day was it?
• 
  
• Who were those Marines?
• 
  
• What did they look like?
• 
  
• How am I supposed to report this?
• 
  
• Where were my keys?
• 
  
• Where was my ID?
• 
  
• What if I got pregnant?

Eventually, I found a guard on duty, asked in what direction were the Women's BEQ's, was able to get in my room by knocking and crossing my fingers my roommates were there, and then taking a shower. A LONG SHOWER!!

I tried to not think about what happened. I forced it to the back of my mind, stomped it down, and covered it up.

I didn't report the incident. How could I? Who were the Marines? What barracks was it? I couldn't even re-trace my steps. I had no recollection! No memory. Whatever drugged they used took care of that.

Instead, as with all the other sexually traumatic events in my life, I pushed it to the back of my mind where I force things I don't want to think about or re-live and went on with my life.

I did have a pregnancy test - Negative, Thank God!!

As for me, I continued with my jobs on base, continued to date, continued to enjoy the e-Club, but with a lot more caution, never accepting a drink from anyone unless it was unopened or I saw it being mixed.

However, the traumatic event ate through my restraints, surfaced at inopportune times, and began to manifest in more physical issues:

• Migraines
• GI Issues
• Sleep Issues
• Eating Disorder
• Weight Problems
• Memory Issues

And:

• Relationship Issues
• Psychiatric Issues

MY TIMELINE:

When did this violent violation of my body occur? 1980
When did I report it to the military? 2012

32 Years Later

My lawyers (several law firms) worked for nearly 5 years to get a positive response from the VA. 

2017, I finally received the 100% Permanently Disabled and Unemployable rating.

That's 37 years later, nearly 40 years. 

Treatments I Endured During that Time:

CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy)
EMDR - 3 TIMES! Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing
Talk Therapy - Group Therapy
Medication
Relaxation Therapy
Meditation
Hypnosis
Self-Hypnosis
Forgiveness
Prayer
Written Narrative Exposure
Narrative Exposure Therapy
Yoga
Acupuncture
Personal 1 on 1 Therapy

I have not tried TMS - Trans Magnetic Stimulation; as it's still considered experimental by my insurance company.

Does that change how I feel? No

Does that make the pain go away? No

Did it automatically stop all of the physical issues I had? No

I still have:

• Migraines
• GI Issues
• Sleep Issues
• Eating Disorder
• Weight Problems
• Memory Issues
• Relationship Issues
• Psychiatric Issues

But, with the help of a new psychiatrist, we have discovered the missing pieces that make up my complicated puzzle.... I must explain the MST PTSD to my other Physician Specialists, so that they aren't chasing ghosts to explain my issues. 

There is hope. There is positive momentum forward.

For the first time in nearly 40 years, I believe I can find peace. I'll keep you posted.

If you are a victim or know someone who is a victim of MST - please follow the instructions below:

How can Veterans get help?

For more information, Veterans can:

• Speak with their existing VA health care provider.
• Contact the MST Coordinator at their nearest VA Medical Center.
• Call Safe Helpline at 1-877-995-5247 to get confidential one-on-one help. Safe Helpline provides 24 hour a day, 7 day a week sexual assault support for the Department of Defense community.
• Contact their local Vet Center.
• Veterans should feel free to ask to meet with a provider of a particular gender if it would make them feel more comfortable.
• Veterans can also learn more about VA's MST-related services.

Reflections of the Last Year and Preparing for the New Year

It's been one of those years. You know what I mean, where it seems like one thing after another occurs, and you just can't seem to catch your breath between incidents.

Let's recap 2015, physically and mentally. I started out the year with ECT treatments for medication resistant depression and then a psychiatric hospitalization.

Then, I had a series of low back pain injections, due to a continuing low back problem. I had a major fatigue illness that kept me from doing much of anything, including walking my dog for months. I even had a series of IV infusions that were supposed to help me regain my strength. That did help, after awhile.

I knew I couldn't keep up the rate of work I'd been doing before with running several businesses, giving writing workshops, participating on the Board of Directors for Florida Writers Association, blogging, editing and proofreading others work, and freelance writing. Along with taking classes to become certified to teach journal therapy, I was stretched mentally and physically. This could have led to the energy collapse.

So, I chose to concentrate on getting myself well. I resigned from the FWA board of directors, closed my businesses, and stopped freelance writing. I stopped taking journal therapy classes and the weight of it all felt great. I knew my priorities had changed and I now wanted to not only concentrate on getting myself well, but helping others in a more one on one capacity with their writing and with opening up about mental issues. I wanted and did become an advocate for Mental Health.

I even wrote a book titled, "Writing Heals" that gives others an opportunity to discover traumatic issues that had been holding them back, learning to accept them, cope with them, and using writing to overcome them and live a life of joy.

This gave me the strength I needed to schedule my yearly trip to see my kids and grandkids, without fear of flying or travel, or leaving my home. I'd become my own version of my book.

I did have a wonderful time visiting my kids and grandkids in Arizona. My husband even went, giving us some wonderful quality time with everyone.

Then, coming back, I got the news from my Optometrist that I needed immediate Cataract surgery, after a year's determination that my eyes had deteriorated to the point that corrective lenses were no longer available. Going through Cataract surgery for both eyes and then discovering that the healing process brought on Posterior Capsulotomy (a film grew over my new lenses, causing a cloudy view, blurring, halos, etc.) The eye surgeon, Dr. Newsom, said that it sometimes occurs in "younger" patients, when they heal too quickly. So, I then had to have 2 more procedures on my eyes,  to remove that issue.

In the mean time, I was having major GI issues, that ended up with me in the ER, then admitted into the hospital for a series of tests that resulted in a diagnosis of Colitis and Diverticulitis. The Colitis continues to flare up and is not under control yet. While I went through that, I had a black out while walking on the sidewalk behind my husband, that resulted in another trip to the ER to discover that there wasn't anything apparent to cause the blackout but resulted in various bumps, bruises, a chipped tooth, sprained wrist, and broken elbow.

Yay.

And, the year wasn't over yet. I couldn't keep the incidents straight, they were happening so fast. The next thing I know, I'm in the ER again, with muscle spasms in my low back, so severe I couldn't walk, stand, sit, nothing. The pain was so severe, I called my neighbor to take me to the hospital, where after seven hours they sent me home with medication for muscle spasms and pain and an order for a week of bed rest. This meant I was in bed through the week before and during Christmas. I couldn't even decorate for Christmas, which actually ended up as a good thing, which I'll describe below.

Some of the good things that resulted were helping my husband fulfill his life long dream of getting a pilot's license. He'd been a remote control airplane and helicopter enthusiast his entire life. He'd longed to actually fly airplanes, eventually flying helicopters. So, I decided to help my husband by putting all our efforts toward this goal, including giving up a lot of of our free time with him.

One of the best things that happened was in June, when I opened up to my husband, myself, and my doctors about a 50 year old secret that I'd been keeping. I had an eating disorder. A binge eating disorder. I started seeing a new therapist who brought old insecurities and past traumas to light that helped me understand that by keeping the secret I was actually harming myself more. By, facing it, facing old life traumas, and understanding guilt ridden ideologies, I actually found myself letting go of past control issues and taking charge of my life choices, I finally understood that no one had control of my food issues. Only I could make the choices that resulted in a new pattern of lifestyle thoughts and choices that made me feel better about myself and let go of the guilt I had for so long.

I was able to apply my faith and love of God and His word to help me get through. I was able to let go of the obsessive control I had let others have and discover that I could leave the stigma of weight and food to others and not let them affect me.

I now have a more positive attitude toward food, myself, health and now have an even healthier relationship with nutrition and my body.

I now know that weight loss does not equal healthy eating or recovering from Binge Eating Disorder, and being thin does not equal happiness or health.

I am taking it one day at a time.

Best of all, I've learned better coping skills for Bipolar Disorder, Social Anxiety, General Anxiety, OCD, and PTSD. Skills that don't require psychotropic medications. My psychiatrist was in full support and helped me drop one medication after another.

Because of this, I've found that after eighteen years in the same house, where at one time I was so agoraphobic I couldn't leave my own home, I'm ready to move onto a new path in my life. A life that surrounds my husband's desire to fly and live in a community further away from the city and has its own airport. So, we are. We are moving to a community with its own airport and each house has its own hanger for an airplane.

I'm not even freaking out about it. I think the move will be a wonderful way to start 2016.

Although, when my husband and I thought about moving from our current home, we thought we'd be downsizing and thinning out our possessions. This new home is bigger than the one we have, it's on more land, and if you add the hanger space, three car garage space, and home space, it's more than three times of living space than we have now.

So, that's been my life this past year. Good and bad. Each event led me to a revelation about myself and my life's priorities.

And, my first commitment to myself is to give myself permission to change the direction of the memoir I'd struggled to write for the past year or so, and write with a passion for helping others. That makes me very happy.

I'm also going to make a commitment to increase my physical activity, as the community we are moving to gives Jack (my American Eskimo dog) and me more areas to walk, without getting near a major road.

I'll continue my therapy work on Binge Eating Disorder, reinforcing new techniques to help me be more mindful of my eating habits and choices.

And, I'll work with other writers, giving them of my time and knowledge, to help them become the best writer they can be and help them achieve their writing goals.

I have a wedding to look forward to, as my son is getting married to the love of his life and that could mean more grandchildren on the horizon. (yay!)

Finally, I'll continue my work learning as much as I can about the Bible and Christian History so that I can not only answer my questions, but give me a further perspective about my relationship with God.

The best thing is, with my progress with Bipolar Disorder and other mental issues, I am going to help as a Mental Health Advocate by reducing stigma and increasing knowledge for those who want to learn.

That's it. That's been my 2015 life, and my feelings about my future for 2016. Am I going to make a resolution? Doubtful. I don't think they are necessary and I'd rather work on improving myself physically, emotionally, mentally, and personally with positive affirmations, thoughts, and actions.

I hope that you had an enlightened 2015 and that you can look forward to 2016 without making unnecessary or unachievable resolutions.

Be kind to yourself and to others. Follow Jesus' commandments to love God and one another.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things. -- Philippians 4:8

Turn your thoughts to positive things, as urged by Paul. Make a conscious effort to think gentler, more noble thoughts. Replace all of your bad thoughts with kinder, love-filled thoughts, reducing stress and increasing your peace. Before long, you'll re-train your brain to naturally turn to truth, purity and excellence.

Happy New Year!

Vicki

P.S. I hope you are enjoying my series on Mental Health. If you have any suggestions for a topic, please let me know.