“Cognitive therapy is based on the idea that distorted thoughts, and not realistic ones, lead to unhealthy negative emotions like depression and anxiety. When you learn to think about your problems in a more positive and realistic way, you can change the way you feel.”
Straight from Dr. David D. Burns himself.
Dr. Burns asks this, “Are your negative thoughts and feelings always unrealistic?”
Think about that for a moment.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
Think about this. You work a long day at your job. You stop at the appliance store on the way home, pick out a new stove, have it delivered and when the box is opened and the stove is connected, it doesn’t work.
Disappointment. Despair. Negative thoughts out the whazoo!
These feelings are inevitable. But, are the unrealistic?
Dr, David D. Burns says this, “I believe that the argument that stress and depression are always realistic is just as absurd as the suggestion that people should try to be happy and successful all the time.”
Anger and irritability can be destructive. I agree. If you use it against others you can be quite hurtful. You can hurt others who have done nothing to you. So, the question is this:
“From a practical point of view, how can you know when you should accept your feelings, when you should express your feelings, and when you should change them?”
The following questions can help you decide:
- How long have I been feeling this way?
- Am I doing something constructive about the problem, or am I simply brooding and avoiding it?
- Are my thoughts and feelings realistic?
- Will it be helpful or hurtful if I express my feelings?
- Am I making myself unhappy about a situation that’s beyond my control?
- Am I avoiding a problem and denying that I’m really upset about it?
- Are my expectations for the world realistic?
- Are my expectations for myself realistic?
- Am I feeling hopeless?
- Am I experiencing a loss of self-esteem?
How long have I been feeling this way?
If you are still feeling guilty or angry about something that happened in the past, ask yourself, “Just how much longer do I intend to make myself miserable about this? What is the point for feeling so bad for so long?”
Am I doing something constructive about the problem, or am I simply brooding and avoiding it?
Sometimes a negative feeling becomes a way of life. You may feel sorry for yourself instead of doing something about the problem that’s bothering you. It’s important to grieve over the loss of a loved one and to surrender to the tears, to the feelings of loss, and to remember how much you cared about the one who died. However, we can only feel healed and whole if we will allow ourselves to feel broken. But, if you get depressed, become cynical and hopeless and give up on life, you’ve slid into depression. Get help.
Are my thoughts and feelings realistic?
Healthy negative feelings are based on a realistic appraisal of your circumstances. It is often best to express these feelings as constructively as possible. But, when your negative feelings are based on distorted and unrealistic thoughts, it is often better to change the way you think about the situation.
Will it be helpful or hurtful if I express my feelings?
The real question is: Whether or not you want to feel like that. Will it help you deal with the situation if you express your negative feelings? If the answer is “yes”, go ahead and express them, if the answer is “no”, it might be better to change your feelings.
Am I making myself unhappy about a problem that’s beyond my control?
Sometimes we refuse to accept situations that are beyond our control. It doesn’t do us much good. You have plenty of other options if you’re willing to be creative and to think about the situation more positively.
Am I avoiding a problem and denying that I’m really upset about it?
Sometimes one emotion can be a substitute for another. You may be angry with someone, but you don’t admit it to yourself. You repress your feelings and get anxious and panicky instead. Your anxiety is simply a way of disguising a problem that you’d prefer to avoid.
Are my expectations for the world realistic?
Dr. David D. Burns feels that distorted thoughts and unrealistic expectations can lead to negative emotions. What do you think? Is frustration realistic? Maybe not, but it is a human emotion. You may be frustrated that the train is late, but by definition, this means your expectations are unrealistic. You can’t change the fact that the train is late. It’s difficult to change your way of thinking when it comes to this kind of situation because you may strongly believe that life should or must or ought to be the way you want it to be.
Are my expectations for myself realistic?
Some people beat themselves up because they think they’re not good enough or as happy or as successful as they should be. You may find it difficult to accept making a mistake. But, if you punish yourself and act as if your mistakes are unthinkable and unacceptable, it means you’re superior to the rest of us!
If you can accept your behaviors and your feelings as a normal part of any healthy, loving relationship, you’ll discover that you can often resolve problems far more easily and your negative feelings will more quickly disappear.
Am I feeling hopeless?
Hopelessness is nearly always a sign of unhealthy emotions. People who are suffering from depression or anxiety often feel this way. These feelings are nearly always based on a distorted assessment of yourself and your future. Your chances of feeling joy and self-esteem again are extremely high, even if it doesn’t seem so.
Am I experiencing a loss of self-esteem?
Low self-esteem can lead to unhealthy anger, anxiety, guilt, and depression. If you berate yourself as worthless and unlovable, you’ll be giving yourself distorted messages and destroying your self-esteem.
Genuine self-esteem is based on humility and an acceptance of your shortcomings. This makes it possible to assume responsibility for your actions, to feel remorse, to apologize and make amends, and to get on with productive and joyous living.
Have you learned something important today? Negative thinking and negative feelings can be changed. You can live a more joyful life. Distorted thinking can be modified with your own thoughts.
If you are still unsure, or have more questions, please refer to The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. David D. Burns M.D.
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